Thursday, March 31, 2005

Proof Jackson Is A Pedophile

In the news Wednesday:

Tapes expose King of Pop’s lust

Michael Jackson lusted after his female fans, according to tapes released yesterday. The recordings are of phone calls between Jackson and a nine-year-old boy from Utah, whom the singer befriended in 1985. According to Mr David Hans Schmidt, the publicist who obtained the tapes, they show that the singer, on trial for molesting a 13-year-old boy, is a heterosexual.

In tapes released yesterday, Jackson (46) also says that he hates his hair (he calls it “nigger hair”) and talks about his battle with anorexia. The tapes were made by the family of the nine-year-old. They say that Jackson used to call the unnamed boy, now 29, late at night to talk about his love-life.

Mr Schmidt said: “There is some dynamite stuff on these tapes. I believe they will demonstrate that Jackson is, or at least was, heterosexual.”

So, let me get this straight. Jackson has phone sex with a nine year old boy, and this proves he is a heterosexual...hmmmm.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Michael Jackson Out Of Luck

Johnnie L. Cochran Jr., whose fierce, flamboyant and electrifyingly effective advocacy in the O. J. Simpson murder trial captivated the country and solidified his image as a master of high-profile criminal defense, died yesterday at his home in Los Angeles. He was 67. (full story)

He was probably the only lawyer who could have gotten Michael Jackson off. Looks like there won't be any "Chewbacca Defence". ( "If it doesn't fit - you must acquit" would be kinda obscene in this case)

Do you think right now he's getting his ass kicked by Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman? (unless he's a different place)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Liberal Prostitution "Hidden Agenda"

Don't quit your day job! Posted by Hello

At the end of the Liberal policy convention, Prime Minister Paul Martin was asked “are you planning on legalizing prostitution” (a motion to legalize it was brought forward and approved by the Liberal youth wing).

In a very non-dithering fashion, Mr. Martin replied “NO”.

So why are a group of MPs seeking $200,000 in federal funds to visit European cities with red-light zones and legal brothels to help "study" Canada's prostitution laws? (full story)

Is Martin dithering again, or do the Liberals have a new "hidden agenda" to raise money for the party now that the sponsorship scam is busted?

Sunday, March 27, 2005

A Non Offensive PC Easter

Here is the Easter story written to be politically correct, and inclusive to all cultures and races.

There was once a pink rabbit called the Easter Bunny, who had a large following of non gender specific individuals. These "followers" followed the Easter Bunny wherever it went. It would tell the persons following of stories and impart wisdom upon them. They believed the Easter Bunny was sent to earth from another place, possibly by Santa Clause.

One Thursday the Easter Bunny and 12 of his non gender specific friends got together for a vegetarian meal. At this meal, EB announced that he had foreseen his execution. His friends were worried, but EB told them not to be afraid, that Santa would look out for them. That night, EB was taken by angry white males.

The following day, EB was sentenced to be crucified. After being tortured and forced to bear a heavy cross to the place of execution, EB was nailed to the cross. As the soldiers nailed EB to the cross they heard the bunny say "Please Santa, forgive them for they know not what they do". When EB knew it was about to die, the bunny said: "Santa, into your hands I commit my atomic particles."

The body of the Easter Bunny had to be removed from the cross and buried before the following day. On Sunday morning, the first day of the week, some of the friends went to look at the tomb. They found it empty, with the stone rolled away! They also saw two tooth fairies in white, seated where EB's body had been. The friend then turned around and saw EB standing there! The Easter Bunny had returned from the dead!

They then went to see the other followers. They were startled and frightened, thinking they had seen a ghost. EB said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my paws. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have. Here, have some chocolate!"

After this, the non-gender specific followers spread the good news all around the world that, from then on, every Easter time the Easter Bunny would bring chocolate to both good and morally challenged boys, girls and transgendered.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Chretien New Adscam Judge?

Since the Sponsorship inquiry is adjourning until the 29th, we will release the long anticipated results of our Adscam survey.

After former Prime Minister Jean Chretien's lawyers attempted to remove Judge Gomery from the Inquiry, We posed the question: Who do you think should now head the Gomery inquiry?

10% of respondents replied that another randomly assigned Judge should take over,

25% believed Justice Gomery should remain as presiding Judge,

and an overwhelming majority - 65%, believed former PM Jean Chretien should take over the public inquiry.

This makes sense...who better would know where the missing money went? (with the possible exception of the former Finance Minister) Think of the tax dollars we could save!

Be sure to take part in the latest survey - Who's "hidden agenda" would win in a fight.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Proof of Alien Life Discovered!

Millions of kilometers away on Mars, the Viking lander scooped up soil and mixed it with carbon-14-labeled nutrients. (see #6 - Viking's Methane)

The mission's scientists have all agreed that if the instruments on board the lander detects emissions of carbon-14-containing methane from the soil, then there must be life on Mars.

Viking reports a positive result. Something is ingesting the nutrients, metabolising them, and then releasing gas laced with carbon-14.

What does this mean? We have detected the first sign of alien life - a fart!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Shocking New Evidence Of Liberal Theft!

This blog has made a startling new discovery of Liberal theft : Prime Minister Paul Martin has stolen Conservative leader Stephen Harpers "Hidden Agenda".

According to NDP leader Jack Layton, Paul Martin is pushing a "hidden agenda" of closer integration with the United States.

Jack Layton asked in Parliament : "Can the prime minister tell us why he will be pursuing an agenda of deeper integration with the U.S., sacrificing Canadian sovereignty? Why is he pursuing this "hidden agenda" without telling Canadians about it?"

It is unknown whether Justice Gomery will pursue this new theft allegation. It may be dropped if the Liberal party agrees to return the "hidden agenda"

A Conservative insider remarked "This Liberal corruption is getting out of hand. Stealing our money is one thing, but if they think they can steal our "hidden agenda", they have another think coming!"

When asked for his comment on this, Mr. Harper only replied "welcome to my world!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Canadian Kids Are Drug Addicted Sexaholics, But Thank Goodness They Don't Smoke!

A ruling by Canada's Supreme Court will allow provinces to impose more restrictions on tobacco. (full story)

"I think the judgment will lead to more provinces taking action to ban cigarette displays in retail stores," Said Rob Cunningham, Canadian Cancer Society senior policy analyst.
The ruling would allow provinces to restrict tobacco displays in stores seen by minors. Retailers could still sell cigarettes, but not display them.
"Children should not grow up in an environment where they are exposed to cigarettes -- that are addictive -- in the same way that they are exposed to hockey cards and bubble gum," added Cunningham.

At the same time, according to the CBC (The Passionate Eye show) it's alright for your kids to have sex - as long as they use "protection".(Don't forget, in Canada kids can legally do it at the age of 14.)
This show followed a group of kids, some as young as 13, talking about their sex lives and doing drugs.

I's kinda strange this attitude Canadians have...It's OK for us to let little Johnny smoke weed all day and have multiple "safe" sex partners, but we have a sacred duty to protect his impressionable young mind from seeing a cigarette advertisement in a store!

Monday, March 21, 2005

Are Canadians Racist?

A survey suggests about 1 in 6 Canadian adults – roughly four million people – have been victims of racism.
The study was commissioned by the Dominion Institute to mark the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination.

The survey results challenge Canadians' perception that the country is a model of tolerance and multiculturalism, according to the institute's director, Rudyard Griffiths.

Ok, so 1 in 6 Canadians are racist. At least 1 in 6 are not: drunks , or loosers , or crazies , or liars , or scammers , or unemployed , or uneducated, or stoners , or idiots, or nerds, or limp dicks , or slashers, or starving !

If this depresses you, you might have trouble finding help because: 1 in 6 Doctors are seriously considering leaving !

Friday, March 18, 2005

Canadian Media Embraces Harper

Media Embrace Posted by Hello

The Canadian media seem to be embracing Stephen Harper at this key time for the new Conservative party.

Delegates at the Conservative convention expect the media will be nothing short of "loving" after the initial display a few days ago.

"Even the CBC are getting into bed with us. It's great" a party member reported, "I'm not sure how long the honeymoon will last though".

Thursday, March 17, 2005

I Support Joe...I Mean Dr.Asara!

I received this Email today from this poor guy Dr. Asara. Seems he’s in a bind and needs some help. Maybe we can all get together and help him out. All he needs is our bank account numbers and information, and he said he will do the rest:

I am DR.ASARA A. ASARA, the director in charge of auditing and accountingsection of Credit Bank Benin republic in West Africa
During an investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came acrossa very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 30thjanuary 2000 on Kenya Airways while travelling with his entirefamily.
Since his untimely death the funds has been dormant in his account without any claim from his familyor relation.
I kept this information secret within myself and partnersto enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful. The said amount was USD$24.1 Million united states dollars.
As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information throughmy good friend who works with chamber of commerce on foreign business relationshere in Cotonou-Benin, it is him who recommended your person to me to beviable and capable to champion a business of such magnitude without anyproblem.
Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafidenext of kin and get the required approval and transfer thismoney to a foreign account has been put in place, all directives and neededinformation will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interestand willingness to assist us and also benefit yourself to this greatopportunity.
May i at this point emphasize that this transaction is 100% risk free asi have made all arrangements for a successful transaction as an insiderof the bank before contacting you.
On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% ofthe total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take careof any expenses that may arise during the time of transfer like telephonebills, fax and our travel tickets to come over to your country for the sharingof the fund while 60% will be for me and my partners.
Please you have been advised to keep this a top secret .
All other necessary information will be sent to you on your acceptance tochampion this transaction with me.
I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible or you contact me on myprivate line +229 09 33 79 stating your wish in this deal.
Yours Faithfully,

I’m not sure how he got my Email address. Maybe that “chamber of commerce on foreign business relations” fella that told him about me was that guy I helped move last fall...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

New Canadian Counter Terrorism Strategy

According to CSIS officials, The U.S.-led war on terrorism has made al-Qaida an even more dangerous organization. (see full story)

The effect has been a "net increase" in terrorist activities and the results can be seen in "broken bodies and blood in the streets," said " J. P.", the deputy chief of counter-terrorism with the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. "We now have a more dangerous al-Qaida."

I guess we've been going about things all wrong. We shouldn't be fighting the terrorists, we should join them.

Canada could become a "Taliban" style Country! It wouldn't be so bad. The beards would keep the men's faces warm during our harsh winters. And women, think about how great this would be: no worries about cosmetics, keeping up with the latest fashions, or having a bad hair day.

And think of this: no more problems with Quebec-everybody follows the same laws and talks the same language!

The Liberals would never go for it though...they would all have their hands chopped off!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Russian President Putin To Become Cyborg

Garry Kasparov, the world's leading chess player, has decided to give up competitive chess and devote his time to Russian politics in an attempt to bring down the regime of President Vladimir Putin. (See full story)

In an attempt to defeat the intellectually superior Kasparov, Mr. Putin has requested the help of IBM to insert the "Deep Blue" Supercomputer into his brain.

"Deep Blue has defeated Kasparov in the past, and we are confidant it will again" said an unnamed IBM tech.

When asked whether having a computer wired into his brain worried Mr. Putin, he replied: "Naw, it's all good".

Monday, March 14, 2005

News Flash! –Yanks Impose More Sanctions

Democrats want U-S President Bush to halt trash shipments from Canada to Michigan. Canada sends about 415 truckloads of garbage to Michigan every day.

The news was another blow to the ailing Canadian garbage industry, which has experienced losses of more than $1.9 billion since last year.

US scientists claim that bad garbage can infect and create holes in the brains of Americans. An outbreak in Britain in the 1980s left 143 people dead.

Canadian authorities will spend about $92 million to increase the amount of garbage tested annually from 5,500 to about 30,000 over the next five years.

Some claim this is just another excuse for the US to implement more trade sanctions on Canadian products, like beef and lumber, in retaliation for not signing on to Missile Defence.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Bloggers Ordered To Reveal Source

A judge on Friday ordered three independent online reporters to divulge confidential sources (See full story).

The ruling alarmed free speech advocates, who saw the case as a test of whether people who write for Web publications enjoy the same legal protections as reporters for mainstream publications. Apparently not.

As a result, under heavy pressure from the Federal Government, I will now reveal my source for the Feb 22nd story : Prime Minister Under Alien Control!

Here he (it) is:
"deepthroat" Posted by Hello

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Public Service Announcement 4

DND Ottawa- It has come to our attention that there is asbestos Insulation on our new Subs. We are concerned about asbestos insulation on all four of the country's newly leased submarines because the insulation has been linked to cancer.
This insulation will have to be removed from these vessels, which means it will be very cold for the crew while out at sea.
Donations of sweaters would be very much appreciated, and are now being accepted at DND headquarters in Ottawa.
Thank you for your continuing support.

Note: Please ensure any sweaters donated are fire and water resistant

Cross posted at: The Untrue North

Friday, March 11, 2005

I Am Quebecois!

Quebecois! Posted by Hello
I've had some requests for a Quebec version of the I AM rant, so here goes:

“I’m not a lumberjacques or a courrier du bois.
And I don’t live in a log cabin or eat pea soup or own a Jetta.
And I don’t know Pierre, Francoise or Marie from Quebec, although I am certain they smoke and drink wine.
I have a Premier, not a Prime Minister; I speak English and French, but only French to the English; and I pronounce it “a peu pres presque sur le point de ca et la plus ou moins autour de vers” not “about” or “a boot”.
I can proudly wear my “fleur de lis” on my license plate when I drive to the depanneur, I believe in peace keeping-I will keep the peace if you give me what I want; diversity, not assimilation (except for those pesky Quebec Anglos!); and that poutine is a truly proud and noble food.
A toque is a toque, a chesterfield is a canape, and it is pronounced “Quebecois”, not “Quebecker” or “Qwibecker”.
Quebec is the largest francophone land mass, the first nation of real hockey, and the best part of North America!
My name is Joseph, and I am Quebecois.”

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Canada-A Nice Safe Place To Live (unless you're young or old!)

New Directory To Help Combat Elderly Abuse

The committee for the Council on Aging is launching a directory of contact numbers of community groups and organizations equipped to deal with cases of elder abuse.
Committee spokesperson Barbara Burns reports that in Ottawa alone there are thousands of instances of elderly abuse.
(And that's just what was reported by Judge Gomery!)

Talking about age...

Conservative Speak Out About Age Of Consent

Conservative justice critic Vic Toews is concerned, believing children in Canada are at risk because of our age-of-consent law.
It's legal for adults to have sex with consenting 14-year-olds in Canada. (Full Story)

The Conservatives suggested the age of consent could be raised to something more reasonable, perhaps mid forties or early fifties.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Sponsorship Scandal Solved!

It appears that we may have found the solution to the “memory problems” plaguing the witnesses connected to the sponsorship scandal (see Lafleur claims memory problems at inquiry ).

Evidence strongly suggests that…get ready…the Liberals used date rape drugs on the players involved in the scandal. If you examine this story: Tory MP targets date-rape drugs , you will find that the symptoms of date rape drugs are startlingly similar to the symptoms shown by the witnesses testifying at the Gomery inquiry. “Drugs such as GHB and Rohypnol slipped into drinks or food act rapidly and can render a victim unconscious and unresponsive with little or no memory of what happened to them.”

It is also interesting to note that last year Conservative MP James Moore attempted to introduce a bill to toughen penalties for using the date-rape drug, however this was defeated by the Liberals. Hmm…

The Liberals, it appears, may even be using this drug in Canada’s water supply before elections. (That explains that "used" feeling you get after...)

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

“Killer Blog” taking over the interwebnet!

An alarming new trend is emerging, as this interwebnet site indicates: The Untrue North-Public Service Announcement. It appears that the interwebnet is being infested by a new menace-the IAM(also)CANADIAN blog.

A Canadian interwebnet expert, Mr. R Patton, was consulted about this strange phenomenon. He has warned that this bloglike “thing” does indeed appear to be taking over the interwebnet. Mr. Patton, who owns two computer machines, says this “thing” is spreading at an alarming rate. Mr. Patton likens it to a cancer or virus, a “computer virus”, if you will.
He calculates that within the next century or two, this horrible “blog” will have taken over the whole www, and perhaps the http as well.

Prime Minister Paul Martin is trying to persuade Canadians that there is nothing to fear. He has just announced the government’s new strategy to deal with this menace. A new registry to register all computer machines in Canada is to be created by 2006. The cost of this registry is estimated at two million dollars.

The Americans, however, don’t seem alarmed by this impending menace. President Bush maintains that the “blog” will be unable to penetrate his new ballistic missile shield.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Joe Clark to be Surgically Removed From Martins Ass

Staunch Liberal Posted by Hello

Clark Supports Martin's Decision on BMD

Joe Clark says Prime Minister Paul Martin did the right thing when he decided Canada would say no to participation in the U-S missile defence program.

The former Conservative Prime Minister says there are too many unanswered questions about the U-S plan.

And then...

Liberals Defeat Women Resolution

The Liberal party has voted down a resolution calling for a 50 per cent representation of women in Parliament and the party hierarchy .

Joe Clark says Prime Minister Paul Martin did the right thing when he decided Canada would say no to a resolution calling for a 50 per cent representation of women in Parliament and the Liberal party.

The former Conservative Prime Minister says there are too many women as it is, and the next thing you know they will want to vote.

Besides, he stated, it’s not like they’re gay or anything!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Canadians Choose Satan!

Results from our latest poll are in.

In response to the question " If you knew then what you know now, which Joe Clark's "devil you know" would you have voted for in the last federal election."

12% of respondents would have voted for Paul Martin again.

41% of respondents would have chosen Steven "the invisible man" Harper this time around.

And a slim majority (47% ) would have chosen Satan, the King of Evil, to lead Canada.

I guess this kind of makes sense. The Devil, also called "The Lord of Lies", would be a perfect fit for the leader of the Liberal party. Also, he could start getting to know his future subjects before they die...

Be sure to cast your vote in the next survey: Who should now lead the Gomery Inquiry.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

National Day Care Already In Place!

Government run daycare is already in place and being taken advantage of by thousands of Canadians across the country (see : article ).
With the average waiting times in the 6 to 8 hour range, parents across the country are dropping their kids off for the day. Along with the free childcare, parents feel secure knowing their kids are being looked after by unionized, fully accredited nurses and doctors.
The children are also learning valuable lifeskills in the emergency rooms, such as first aid, triage, and hospital management just to name a few.
Note to shift workers: it is not recommended infants or small children be left on Friday or Saturday evenings, especially after local sporting events.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

"Child friendly" Canada...


Ouellet honored for 'frivolous spending'
Andre Ouellet, former head of Canada Post and a lifelong veteran of Liberal politics, has been awarded a golden pig by the Canadian Taxpayers Federation in its annual spoof of the Oscars.
"Taxpayers remain indebted to Mr. Ouellet for all his 'public service,' " Williamson of the Federation says. "He receives an annual taxpayer-funded pension estimated at $116,000. That is $83,000 from his years as an MP and minister and another $33,000 for his years of service at Canada Post."
Lucie McClung, head of the Canadian prison system, won the federal award for collecting $142,000 in travel expenses between 2001 and 2003 while, in Williamson's words "felons are running Canada's prison system."


Goodale defends Liberals on child poverty
Federal Finance Minister Ralph Goodale defended the Liberal government's record on child poverty Tuesday following a report that says poverty levels are virtually unchanged from 1990.
The report from the United Nations children's Fund ranks Canada 19th among 26 industrialized countries of the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development in efforts to reduce child poverty.


Gotta love their priorities!
I can see tomorrows headlines..."Liberals reduce child poverty levels-minimum working age reduced to 10 years of age"

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Public Service Announcement 3

Rocking your baby to sleep in a mechanical swing may trigger a deadly attack on the child by the family dog, a coroner warns. The back-and-forth motion may activate the dog's instinct to chase prey.
Trainers say pets can be conditioned to baby swings before a baby is put into one.
"Put the swing up, leave it on without a baby in it until the dog really goes for it,"
They then suggest even more extensive sensitization:” Get the dog used to a lifelike crying doll -- with a real diaper, if one is available -- then the swing, then the two together.”
Through natural instinct and a little training, pitbull owners can use mechanical swings as a much more efficient way to feed small children to their dogs.
The American Pitbull Terriers Association (APBTA) would appreciat the donation of any new or gently used mechanical swings.
Thank you.
Cross posted on "The Untrue North"

Also...the mentality of your average pitbull owner