Friday, July 29, 2005

Harper's Not Scary #10

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Never Again Be Shot By Security Forces...

Tired of being shot by security forces? Well, I now have the solution- the alsocanadian "C-thru" luggage (backpack model pictured here).

That's right! No more suspicious looks, searches, and flying bullets. This set of luggage will prevent all this by informing observers that you are not a suicide bomber.

Imagine the freedom! With this pack you can not only run when stopped by authorities, but yell religious statements all with the confidence of knowing that you will not be shot.

Please send $29.99 (cash only) to alsocanadian for this fine pack, handcrafted in China almost entirely child labor free.

Disclaimer: for the C-thru pack to work properly the wearer must not wear any other clothing or footwear, be female, over 65 years of age, and of Norwegian descent. If you are shot while wearing this pack, in order to receive a refund the wearer must prove that the shooting was not crime related.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Canadians Love Brazilians, Hate English?

Why are lefty Canadians pouring out their sympathy for the Brazilian shot dead in London after mistakenly being identified as a suicide bomber, rather than for the actual victims of the bombings?

Well, I think I have the answer: we sympathize more with Brazilians!

Why? Because they are more like us. We empathize more with them. Here's what I mean:

Brazilian poke fun at political scandal

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - As Brazil's worst political crisis in years rocks the government, Brazilians are poking fun at the protagonists in an alleged bribery scheme at the heart of the scandal.

This is in reference to the arrest of a member of the ruling Workers' Party with $100,000 stuffed into his underwear and the equivalent of $85,000 in local currency stashed in his luggage.

President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, who has denied knowledge of any bribes, has so far managed to deflect the scandal and his popularity has even edged up slightly.

See! Just like us!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Free Crack Kits?

Brent Colbert at Colbert's Comments says the City of Ottawa is handing out free crack kits.

I believe this is unfair preferential treatment to city dwellers!

City people get free kits, whereas people living out in the country have to pay for their Crack Kits (see kit pictured here).

They have them at the Home Depot, and Home Hardware, only they cost $14.99.

No wonder country folks always have leaky basements...

Monday, July 25, 2005

First Of All I'd Like To Thank God...

Canada wins dumbest government at World Stupidity Awards

The Canadian government secured a surprise win Friday, beating out such luminaries as Iran, North Korea and the United States, for the dumbest government of the year at the World Stupidity Awards.

It also bested the United Nations in a hotly contested category that organizers said proved Canadians can compete with the rest of the world.

"Canadians often feel we're in the shadow of the U.S., especially when it comes to stupidity, but now we're proving we're world class," said Robert Spence, spokesman of the awards handed out during he Just for Laughs comedy festival.

"And as host country, who could ask for more?"

The Gomery inquiry into the sponsorship scandal secured the award for Canada, said Spence.

Keep votin Liberal! They make us #1!

Hat tip: Ross Patton

Update: M.K. Braten posted on this too, but I already got this typed up and my fingers hurt too much to type another. Go check him out...

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Blog of the Week

Friday, July 22, 2005

Words Deferred Success Me...

Well, well! Now we can't use the word "fail" anymore. Apparently:

The word "fail" should be banned from use in classrooms and replaced with the phrase "deferred success" to avoid demoralising pupils, a group of teachers has proposed.

Members of the Professional Association of Teachers (PAT) argue that telling pupils they have failed can put them off learning for life.

You know, I deferred success to see the logic in doing this. If kids don't learn the meaning of deferred sucessure at an early age, they will without deferred success be deferred successes in society. When political correctness goes this far, words deferred success me.

This kinda reminds me of CBC not wanting to use the word "terrorist". (see story here)

I have some suggestions for politically correct terms they could use:

terrorist attack - servicing a target using preemptive counterattack to alter the health of soft targets causing destabilization to interdictional nonsuccumbers.

Suicide attack - autoeuthanasia via energetic disassembly to render soft targets nonviable .

What really is the difference between banning words and banning books? After all, books are just a buncha words attached together...

Update: more diferred success

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Imagine There's No Liberals, It's Easy If You Try

Here's a great little ditty by Michael Dabioch over at Living in Unmentionable Times :


Imagine there's no Liberals
It's easy if you try,
No bloated government
To regulate and pry,
Imagine all the people keeping what they earn...

Imagine no corruption
It isn'’t hard to do,
Imagine no GroupAction
And no Jack Layton too
Imagine all the people living life in peace...

Imagine there's no Charter
I wonder if you can,
No need for legal plunder
And no Adscam
Imagine all the people competing to succeed...

Go see the whole thing here...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Muslims Save Canada, Praise Allah!

From CFRA this morning:

Muslim Vote Helps Save Canada from Conservative Government: More than 80% of Eligible Canadian Muslims Voted -- with Liberals the Overwhelming Favourite

Among those who voted and participated in the CIC poll, the breakdown so far is as follows: 71% for the Liberals, 23% for the NDP, 3% for the Bloc Quebecois, and the remaining 3% spread among the Conservatives, the Green Party, and Independent candidates.

"Traditionally Muslims have voted Liberal," commented Dr. Mohamed Elmasry, CIC's national president, "but in this election we noticed more young people who voted NDP -- in fact, 31% of those under 25, and 26% of those aged 25-45. Among older voters, 20% voted NDP in the 46-65 and over-65 age groups."

"What is most significant and encouraging is that 88% of Muslim voters under 25 years old cast ballots," he added. "We are very pleased with the high rate of Muslim participation in this election. We've worked very hard with the Muslim leadership in this country over the past 10 weeks, aiming at a target of at least 80% participation; but we have actually exceeded this target. It's a very good day for democracy in Canada."

"CIC took on a leading role to engage Muslims in this election," added CIC national vice-president, Mrs. Wahida Valiante. "It is rewarding to see these numbers. But now we must hold every MP accountable to the electorate that placed them there. The real work has just begun."

The April research project also noted for the first time more than 100 ridings where Muslims hold a significant "swing vote" of between 1.8% and 13.5%.There are more than 700,000 Muslims in Canada, making them the largest non-Christian religious community in the country.

So if this is true, Muslims control 1/3 of Canadian ridings. With the Liberals implementing anti-Islamic policies such as same sex marriage, just what is it they are voting for?

In order to make the party more inclusive, I propose the Conservative party change it's platform to include the implementation of shaira law...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Suicide Bombers In Paradise?

As can be seen from this pic, Suicide bombers have it all mixed up.

"But Allah" they say "you promised us 72 virgins..."

"No you dumbass", replies Allah, "YOU are the virgins, here come your 72 new buddies right now!"

Monday, July 18, 2005

G-Had Aint So Bad Number Two...

The Earth is under attack.
The demon lord B'harne, servant of the malevolent alien High Magus of Lyra, has commenced his assault on the human race. Under the benevolent guise of the children's television host Barney the Dinosaur, B'harne seeks to destroy the minds of children and adults and bind them to his tyrranical will. Once he has made mindless slaves of humanity, B'harne will rule the Earth with an iron talon.
There are those who oppose B'harne. Drawn together by mysterious forces, mad scientists and sorcerors, warriors, scholars and surrealists have banded together into a fighting force capable of standing against B'harne's power and the power of his masters. With the mystic blade of the Barney-Slayer leading the way, these warriors fight a neverending battle against the forces of Evil and Stupidity.
They are the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

G-Had, Aint So Bad...

Why can't all jihad be like this...

Friday, July 15, 2005

More Ottawa Insanity

We've seen the lawyers bill for the Gomery inquiry, 80 million so far. Ever wonder why it's so high? Well, in Ottawa, everyone has legal representation...

Remember this story about the pitbulls who were allowed to maul children on two separate occasions? Well, they have their own legal council now. They are even fighting for a publication ban. (Wonder if all mad dogs use this strategy...)

Don't take my word for it, check it out:

Dog Owner's Lawyers Want Publication Ban

A legal fight involving three pit bull-like dogs has taken a bit of a turn.
Lawyers for the dog's owner say a rescue has found a new home for the animals but want their names and location under a publication ban.
City lawyers are fighting to have the dogs destroyed after they were involved in two separate attacks earlier this year.
The legal hearing continues August 2nd.

Why the publication ban? Should we not have the right to know if these dogs are moving in next door to us? Or maybe next door to your kids school? Or daycare?

Remember - kids are friends, not food...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Wacky Wed, er...Thursday

Did you know that the city of Ottawa is not only digging in your pockets, they are digging through your garbage as well? Check it out:

City Conducts 'Waste Audits' Checking Your Trash

You may not have known it, but the city conducts random inspections of garbage bags and recycling that you put out at the curb.
The city calls it a "Waste Audit." It's an effort to review all materials that are put into the bags that we toss out and it was never announced that it was going on.
The city's Manager of Solid Waste Services is Anne-Marie Fowler. She told CFRA News that it is not an invasion of privacy. Fowler said "Once you put your waste at the curb it's the city's waste."
Fowler added that the program exists so they can check to see what is being thrown out, to find out what waste is being put into programs such as recycling, yard waste or even into your typical garbage bags.

So we have language police, and now garbage police? What's next? Inspectors in the sewer checking what's coming down from your toilet? (maybe they could hire this guy...)

What I'd really like to know is - with this kind of investigative genius working for the government, how are the Liberals getting away with all their fraud, corruption, and scandal?

And You Thought I Was Warped...

Check out Zod's theory on terrorism!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Winnipeg Hates The Media

I like this one better...(see previous post-The Media Hates Winnipeg)

WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A Canadian city besieged by the voracious media each summer, is trying to boost its blogger ranks amid hopes the larger blogosphere eats up the smaller blood-sucking pest.

Winnipeg, a Prairie city, is using less chemicals and targeting the Main Stream Media (MSM) with a bacteria that kills their reporters but does not harm young bloggers, mediaologist Taz Stuart said on Wednesday.

The MSM is a hot topic in Winnipeg, a city also famous for its tall, cold beers.

Many residents advocate fogging adult MSM editors with malathion so they can spend time outdoors without being attacked. But others decry the use of the pesticide and protesters tried to prevent trucks from spraying the chemical last summer.

The Media Hates Winnipeg

How many tourist do you think this will attract...

WINNIPEG, Manitoba - A Canadian city, besieged by voracious mosquitoes each summer, is trying to boost its dragonfly ranks amid hopes the larger flying insect will eat up the smaller blood-sucking pest.

Winnipeg, a Prairie city, is using less chemicals and targeting mosquitoes with a bacteria that kills their larvae but does not harm young dragonflies, entomologist Taz Stuart said on Wednesday.

Mosquitoes are a hot topic in Winnipeg, a city also famous for its long, cold winters.

Many residents advocate fogging adult mosquitoes with malathion so they can spend time outdoors without being attacked. But others decry the use of the pesticide and protesters tried to prevent trucks from spraying the chemical last summer.

Wow! - "mosquito capital" "besieged" "by voracious mosquitoes", "a city also famous for its long, cold winters", "residents advocate fogging adult mosquitoes with malathion so they can spend time outdoors without being attacked"...where do I sign up!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Why Should This Guy Be A Liberal?

ALBANY, N.H. - A 45-year-old man was arrested after a teenage girl found him staring at her from below an outhouse seat, police said. Police said they pulled Gary Moody, from Gardiner, Maine, from the waste tank under a log cabin outhouse on Monday.

"We had to decontaminate him," said Capt. Jon Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, adding that firefighters hosed the man down before police handcuffed him. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material," Hebert said.

Why should he be a Liberal? Because he's full of shit!

Hey, if he was a Liberal, he would probably beat the rap. In fact, after the media spin, the 14yr old girl would be charged for trying to soil the poor man. What about the fact that he was down there in the first place? Heh. Remember Grewal...

Monday, July 11, 2005

Hope for Harper

Who needs a summer tour - according to this story, charisma can be learned:

A step-by-step guide to charisma

Scientists claim to have found the secret to that magical quality, charisma, and they say it can be learnt.


General: Open body posture, hands away from face when talking, stand up straight, relax, hands apart with palms forwards or upwards

To an individual: Let people know they matter and you enjoy being around them, develop a genuine smile, nod when they talk, briefly touch them on the upper arm, and maintain eye contact

To a group: Be comfortable as leader, move around to appear enthusiastic, lean slightly forward and look at all parts of the group

Message: Move beyond status quo and make a difference, be controversial, new, simple to understand, counter-intuitive

Speech: Be clear, fluent, forceful and articulate, evoke imagery, use an upbeat tempo, occasionally slow for tension or emphasis

Hey! Wait a sec! Harper does all these things! Too bad the article doesn't give any tips on being charismatic To the hostile, biased liberal media:

(BTW, the "To an individual:" part doesn't work - every time I "briefly touch them on the upper chest" the females give me a shocked look followed by a slap!)

Spam Is Good?

A new study has shown:

Spam can help prod people to better health - study

Spam can be good for you if it comes as a steady stream of e-mails nagging about healthy habits, Canadian researchers said on Thursday.
People who were spammed about healthy eating and keeping active, tended to exercise and lose weight, according to the researchers at the University of Alberta.
Writing in the American Journal of Health Promotion, Plotnikoff said those who received the e-mail reminders exercised more and knew more about the benefits than those who did not.
They also reduced their mean body mass index, or BMI, a measure of body fat based on height and weight.

OK, so why is my penis not growing?

Talking about spam, check this out:

We happily announce to you the draw of the Euro-Afro-American Sweepstake Lottery International programs heldon the Wed JUNE 15 2005 in Essex United KingdomYour e-mail address attached to ticket number:B0984 85672145 158 with! Serial number 76540 drew thewinning numbers 07/10/13/33/39/42/47 with a bonus Number 5,for LOTTO 6/49 under the choice of the lottery in the2nd category of daily three. You have therefore beenapproved to claim a total sum of US$1,000,000.00(One Million United States Dollars) in cash credited tofile CASA/67805642308/98.

If only the spammers knew what kind of endorsement "SPONSORED BY THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT" really was! Oh, it must be legit. It's sponsored by the Canadian government. It couldn't be involved in any fraud, corruption, or scandal...

Friday, July 08, 2005

Remember This...

London, England- a plot was foiled to detonate an osmium tetroxide and ammonium nitrate bomb inside a building in that country.

An Ottawa man, Mohammad Momin Khawaja, is accused under the Anti-Terrorism Act of participating in this activity. Khawaja is the first Canadian to be charged under Canada's anti-terrorism law.

Of course, according to Muslim groups, Khawaja's arrest was just anti-Muslim racism and discrimination.

Is this connected at all to yesterday's attack? Who knows. But it does show an example of why Canada may be safe from attack...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Maybe The Left Is Right: This Won't Happen In Canada...

Remember this post from TWO MONTHS AGO ? ( Sudan: Liberal hypocrisy Hits New High... )

Well, the Toronto Star has just picked it up: Ottawa aids firm in genocide case: Talisman sued in U.S. over Sudan roleWashington asked to intervene in court.

Our Liberal government has not only aided the radical Islamist regime in Sudan commit genocide, but is defending the Canadian companies involved.

Did I mention Talisman Energy is a major contributor to the Liberal party, as well as to Paul Martin's leadership campaign!

This is just one example of Canada's role as a "terrorist friendly" nation.

According to author Stewart Bell ( "Cold Terror" ), Canada has allowed itself to become an important centre of world terrorism, a place where violent radicals raise money, buy weapons, recruit operatives, plan attacks and spread their hateful ideologies.

When Bush said "If you're not with us, you're with the terrorists", did the Liberals take him seriously and pick a side?

Is London's Terror Alert Level BERT Today?

Terror Alert Level

I guess this attack was also Bush's doing to help raise his popularity...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

New Evidence: Pot IS a Gateway Drug

As can be clearly seen in this photo, This infant is now hooked. It started innocently enough, as exposed by the background news story...

MOUNDSVILLE, W.Va. - A woman accused of smuggling marijuana to her jailed fiance in their baby's diaper pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor possession charge Friday.

Mallory Renee McGrail, 20, was initially charged with a felony accusing her of delivering a controlled substance to jail. She agreed to the plea bargain in Marshall County Magistrate Court and is asking the Circuit Court for probation instead of the one-year sentence ordered by the magistrate.

The marijuana was found after McGrail was told to remove the 5-month-old baby's diaper when she came to visit Jason Michael Wren, 29, in jail June 18, police said.

I guess it was a "babygate" way drug. Pot to crack, now he's smoking 10 grams per day...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

New Strategy For Liberal Southern Ontario: Feed Them To The Bears...

Friends of Fur has a brilliant new proposal for the nuisance bear problem in north and eastern Ontario: re-introduce the black bears to southern Ontario!

Their proposal

- Black bears were eliminated from their former range in southern Ontario as recently as 1961!

- Thousands of nuisance black bears are destroyed annually, many leave orphaned clubs to starve to death needlessly

- MNR (Ministry of Natural Resources) Density Map shows that the population of black bears is unfairly distributed

- MNR claims there is "plenty of room" for both the growing population of black bears and humans

- Our proposal is to simply Equally Share Ontario's Black Bears!

Now, I wonder if all the urbanites and tree huggers will feel the same about the "poor" bears when they have them eating their garbage in Richmond Hill or chasing their kids on the Danforth...

Check out their site at for more info or If you would like to be a part of this important work to save and re-locate black bears to their former ranges in southern Ontario, sharing this wonderful natural resource with our southern neighbors.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Where Did The Canadian Government Go Wrong?

The government of Canada decided to consult it's aboriginal people on ways to reverse the country's slide to banana republic status among nations.

Chief Two Eagles was asked by one official:

"You have observed the white man in Canada for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong in Canada?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied ....

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No Liberals, No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ......"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Friday, July 01, 2005

Why the Liberals Hate Alberta: A Canada Day Essay

This is an excerpt from one of the essays Mitchieville has received for their Canada Day competition. It is from a Liberal supporter on the evils of Alberta:

The first evil Christian heteronormative earth-rapists came into the area of Alberta in 1522, spreading disease and stealing valuable artifacts that could prove the land claims of the indigenous Carib, Mohican, and Winnebago. After centuries of ethnic cleansing and air bombardment, the indigenous tribes were made extinct. The evil ones then began to systematically clearcut the lush forests of Alberta, which caused global warming and melted all of the glaciers in Alberta. The seals all died, too. Alberta is now a major cog in the evil plan of large American corporations to destroy the ecosystem of the earth with carbon emissions. Alberta provides a large number of sailors for the whaling fleet, and manufactures specialty clubs for seal killers. When they are home on leave, the brutal sailors of Alberta make a sport of gay bashing, driving gas guzzling SUV’s, and spitting tobacco juice into vegetarian buffets.

Go see the rest of the insanity at Canada Day in Mitchieville!