Friday, April 29, 2005

Harper's Not Scary #1

Posted by Hello

Stephen Harper...

Didn't destroy Tokyo!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

NDP Sell-Out Fee - New Sale Price!!!

It has come to our attention that the sell-out price of the NDP, 4.6 billion, is too high for some non-Liberal or Liberal connected Canadians.

As we want to be fair to all Canadians, the NDP will sell-out partially for a reduced rate.

- For 2.6 billion, the party will endorse your product or service, but not fully support it.

- 1.6 billion will get you a conditional support, but with major concessions.

- 100 million will buy a nod from Jack (add a smile for an extra million!).

- 50 million is the cheapest support package, which only includes a “hands off” policy toward your product/service.

Note : on all packages there is a 25 million “right wing” fee, which must be paid up front before any support package would come into effect for conservative type products or services.

More information on sellout fees can be found here.

NDP = Were not whores...we're uber-whores!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Don't Do It Jack!

There will be peace in our time! Posted by Hello

Statement from Jack Layton, leader of the NDP :

"We, the Liberal party and Prime Minister, and the New Democratic Party, have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of NDP-Liberal relations is of the first importance for our two parties and for Canada. We regard the agreement signed last night and the NDP-Liberal Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again. We are resolved that the method of consultation shall be the method adopted to deal with any other questions that may concern our two parties, and we are determined to continue our efforts to remove possible sources of difference, and thus to contribute to assure the peace of Canada."

"My good friends, for the second time in our history, a Prime Minister has returned from the NDP bringing peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time... Go home and get a nice quiet sleep."

Remember Neville Chamberlain! Appeasement doesn't work!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Poll Suggests Canadians Fear Prime Minister's Hidden Agenda

Our latest poll results are in!

The question was: "Who's hidden agenda would win in a fight?"

- The wimpiest of the hidden agendas was the Religious Right. Only 14% of respondents believed they would win. It is believed they would just keep turning the other cheek.

- The Gays were also pretty, well, gay. Only 20% of respondents thought the gay hidden agenda would kick ass.

- Stephan harpers, in a huge upset, only scored 5 points ahead of the gays. I guess Harper will have to work on that if he wants to be a contender.

- The most fearsome hidden agenda, according to a whopping 41% of respondents was Paul Martins. I guess Mr. Martin has been really working his hidden agenda hard this year. No one wants to mess with the Martin hidden agenda.

The Conservatives, having been beaten so badly, are claiming Martin's agenda had an unfair advantage. They believe that with all the corruption and scandal, as well as the time Martin's hidden agenda has had to train, there was no way it could be beaten by any other hidden agenda.

Be sure to vote in our latest poll : Now that U2's Bono is angry at Martin for not following through on third world debt relief, (full story here), which U2 song do you now think is most appropriate...

Sunday, April 24, 2005

1 Year Wait For Abortions?

According to a recent National Post article, Canadians are getting fed up with the 1-2 year waits for pain ending surgery. See :

Private healthcare business booming
Patients fed up with long waiting lists in Canada are fuelling a fast-growing demand for brokerages that arrange speedy service in the United States as well as in Quebec's burgeoning for-profit medical industry
(see full story here)

Pretty sad state of affairs. Well, I have a solution to the crisis: we should go to abortion clinics for surgery!

These clinics are fully equipped, staffed by accredited doctors and nurses, and are on nearly every street corner in Canada.

Best of all, there is no wait! (have you ever heard of a 1 year wait to get an abortion?)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Eating Pussy

This story kinda gives the term "eating pussy" a whole new meaning...

Couple criminally charged with killing and cooking neighbour's pet cat
A young Windsor, Ont., man and woman who told police they had cooked a cat because they were hungry have been charged criminally with killing an animal. (rest of story here)

Taste like chicken? You know, I bet they just throw away all those cats put to sleep at the Humane Society...

Friday, April 22, 2005

PM Caught Begging On Camera

Please please please... Posted by Hello

The Prime Minister was caught on tape Thursday evening begging at the Parliament buildings.

"Apparently Paul Martin was not aware of the anti begging legislation passed in Ottawa several years ago" said Tom, an anti-begging expert, "what he did tonight would fall under this legislation".

Mr. Martin was allegedly begging Canadians not to throw him out of office.

"It doesn't matter if you are panhandling, squeegeeing windshields, or pleading to not have an election" said Tom, "begging is begging".

A full transcript of the begging can be read here.

Tom adds "It may have been advantageous for the PM to break the begging laws. He has lots of money for the fine, and the groveling has probably got him the chick vote".

(Note: Tom's sexist views are not those of this blog, and may be incorrect. I have tried begging women and it just doesn't work.)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Secret Recording of Martin’s “Address to the Nation”

Paul Martin is set to address the nation tonight in a rare Prime Ministerial address that is usually reserved for times of national crisis. (more details here)

Tom, my surveillance expert, has obtained a recording of Martins speech. It can be heard here.

This speech sounds remarkably like all of Martin's previous speeches regarding anything to do with the sponsorship scandal, health care, or hidden agendas.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Prime Minister Sends "Love Letter"

Love Letter Posted by Hello

Here is the letter from Paul Martin exposing his relationship with Claude Boulet. (from here)

Since Tom, my translation expert, was unavailable I have attempted the translation myself. I'm warning you, the content is very shocking. It appears Martin and Boulet had a very "intimate" relationship.

Here it is:

26 April 2001, from Paul Martin, to Claude Boulay

Dear Claude,

It is with a great love that I join my voice with all those which surround it this evening to celebrate your fiftieth birthday. One half-century! What a beautiful man you are!
I regret not being able to be with you to take you into my arms, in this happy and romantic event. A bowel that I cannot move prevents me from being with you.
However, I would like to thank you for your kind invitation; I was very touched by you. I continue to think that you are such an example of grace and beauty which I will always lust after. Claude, you should follow my lead!!
Claude, I would like to take this occasion to offer to you some multimillion dollar sponsorship contracts...for the next fifty years!

To the title of the oldest vintage (probably) of the assembly, I raise my (censored) to the reunions which are about to start: "Happy birthday, Claude, and you are more beautiful in the years to come. All the best to you!"
Please accept, dear Claude, in the expression of my sincerity this envelope stuffed with cash .

The Honourable Paul Martin

PS: Claude, now you're 'too old' to go to jail!

I realize my French isn't the best, however I believe this translation fairly accurate. Looks like the PM and boulet were very good buddies...

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Warren Kinsella Destroys The Liberals?

Blogger Warren Kinsella (a former cabinet aide) told a Commons committee Monday that Prime Minister Martin, in his opinion, was aware of the situation regarding Earnscliffe contracts. (backround here)

" He knew of the problems with regard to contracts" said Kinsella, referencing the Finance Department making end runs around cabinet contracting guidelines in some of the work it awarded to Earnscliffe Strategy Group in the 1990s.

Is this it for Paul Martin and the Liberals?

Liberal MP Shawn Murphy dismissed Kinsella's claims as sour grapes.

"I would challenge anyone in Canada to agree that he (Kinsella) had any credibility." said Murphy.

Well, I'm in Canada, and I believe he has credibility. I think I'm going to start reading his blog . Go Warren!

And check this out: a recording of Martins rebuttal speech to be released today!.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Somebody Has To Clean Up this Town!

Time to Clean Up! Posted by Hello

It's time for somebody to do something about the corrupt gang that has taken over this country!

Who's it gonna be? And how big a stick will they have to use?

Friday, April 15, 2005

Why Paul Martin Sucked as a Lawyer...

Before our Prime minister entered politics he was a lawyer. He wasn't very good...

Judge: Mr. Martin, where was your client on the night of the murder?

Martin: Your Honor, my testimony is a matter of public knowledge. Any allegation that I interfered in any contract is a lie.

Judge: Uhhhh...Mr. Martin, I was asking about your client's...

Martin: I will tell the court what is not a lie, and that is what is now the Conservative position on health care. Last week it was Ralph Klein. Today it was Preston Manning and Mike Harris.

Judge: Mr. Martin, that was not the question! The question was...

Martin: What is the Conservative agenda, which is no longer hidden? I will tell Your Honor. It is no federal role in health care. It is no Canada Health Act. It is no one saying no to the privatization of health care. I will fight the Conservatives tooth and nail and we will protect the Canada Health Act.

Judge: Mr. Martin, I fail to see what the Canada Health Act has to do with...

Martin: Your Honor, again, the full testimony is there. However, let us talk about transparency. Let us talk about the Conservative hidden agenda on health care that the hon. member refuses to divulge.

Judge: Mr. Martin, I'm losing my patience with you! Quit dithering and tell the court what your clients defence is pertaining to...

Martin: Having said that, why is the hon. member refusing to address his hidden agenda on health care? Why is he refusing to stand here and deal with the issues raised by Preston Manning and by Mike Harris on his behalf? Canadians are entitled to know what the Conservative position is. Why did he send Mike Harris and Preston Manning out to do his bidding?

Judge: Mr. Martin, if this were not so serious, I would say you are in danger of making yourself a courtroom joke. You will be charged with contempt!

Unfortunately, Martin is not doing much better as PM... (It's called the cornered rat defence)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Prime Minister May Be Charged With "Gay Bashing"

You're dead meat! hehehehe!!!!! Posted by Hello

Prime Minister Paul Martin may be charged under Canada's new hate crime laws for alleged "gay bashing" incidences on Parliament hill.

It began early last summer, involving Conservative turned Liberal Member of Parliament Scott Brison.

Apparently, Mr. Martin named Mr. Brison Minister of Public Works! This means that Mr. Brison is now forced to defend the Liberal Sponsorship Scandal (which consisted of roughly $100 million in public funds paid to Liberal friendly advertising agencies in Quebec for little or no work done) on a daily basis!

Brison is now being beaten up daily as a direct result of Mr. Martin.

"It was a very cruel and inhumane thing he did, knowing full well what was about to happen with the Adscam file" said Tom, a hate crimes expert, "and this could very well fall under the gay bashing legislation".

"The only defence Martin could use" added Tom, "is to say that it has nothing to do with his sexual orientation- he only did it because Brison is a dick"

"We call it the dick defence in hate crime circles" said Tom.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Hidden Message Discovered in Latest Poll

Blue Finger Posted by Hello

After studying the above graph of the newly released poll showing the Conservatives ahead of the Liberals, a "hidden" message the Canadian public seems to be sending can be discerned.

"If you look at the above poll graph carefully" says Tom, a poll expert "Canadians seem to be sending a clear message. I can't be sure, but from the way I'm looking at it Canadians appear to be giving the Liberals the finger"

Tom adds "the graphs look like someone is giving the finger, which is blue, and which is directed at the Liberals. This can only mean one thing. The Liberals are screwed"

Well, I'm no poll expert like Tom, but when I studied the chart a second time, it did appear that Canadians were sending a message. Screw us? No! Screw You!

Monday, April 11, 2005

PM Says He'll Step Down!

Yeah, folks! The PM has said he will step down and make room for a new coalition government due to the allegations of corruption swirling around the current government. (Czech out the full story here)

Oh, sorry! You thought I was talking about...with the Sponsorship thought...I apologize! (give it another week or two)

You know what the really funny part is? If this did happen here, compared with all our corruption, it probably wouldn't even make the news!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Bloggers Change Canada!

After banned Sponsorship scandal testimony was published and disseminated by US and Canadian bloggers, the presiding Judge in the case was forced to lift the publication ban. See:

Gomery partially lifts publication ban
MONTREAL - Justice John Gomery has partially lifted a publication ban on what has been described as explosive testimony connected to the sponsorship inquiry.

After understanding the potential of their newly discovered capabilities, Canadian bloggers realized that with great power comes great responsibility. They swore an oath that they would uphold truth and justice, and only use their new powers for good and never for evil.

From this day forward they will be known as BLOGGER FORCE!

And what’s next for Blogger Force? Hmmm…some posts about their cats?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

U.S. Blog Exposes corruption!

A U.S. blog, , has posted information about alleged corruption which is causing quite a stir. Apparently:

The wife and daughter of Tom DeLay, the House majority leader, have been paid more than $500,000 since 2001 by Mr. DeLay's political action and campaign committees, according to a detailed review of disclosure statements filed with the Federal Election Commission and separate fund-raising records in Mr. DeLay's home state, Texas.

Wow. Some US guy's family members worked for him. Very shocking. I just wanted you all to hear this mind boggling information.

Legal Disclaimer: Any Gomery inquiry information found on the above mentioned blog is under a publication ban, and should not be read by adults. Minors are permitted to read the banned testimony due to the fact that they cannot serve on a jury.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Secret New Gomery Link!

Here is a top secret link I discovered, totally unrelated to "The Captains Quarters" story from yesterday.

I'm warning you, this is a shocker, and just knowing it may result in possible incarceration.

Bear in mind that this comes from a single source, so while I have confidence in the information, you should consider the sourcing carefully.

Here it is: The Gomery Code

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Captain's Quarters

This is a fictional account of a sea Captain who one day discovered some quarters in the crack of his couch:

There was once a Captain who found some quarters while cleaning his couch. He said to himself "I think I'll call these quarters "the Captains quarters", because I am a Captain, and these quarters now belong to me".

The Captain loved his quarters. He played with them every day.

One day, Judge Gomery of the Canadian Government Sponsorship Inquiry told the Captain "I have banned your Captain's quarters. You must surrender all your quarters immediately to me. If you do not, you will be charged."

The Captain reluctantly gave his quarters to the Judge. He was very sad to have lost his "Captain's quarters", and thought "I hope he doesn't ban my Captain's loonies!"

The Captain then sadly retired to his Captain's quarters, where he sat and polished his loonies.

The End.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Blog Is Back!

Wow! Removed the link, and the blog is back on line - like Magic!

The Sponsorship Scandal for Dummies (and what's next...)

- Auditor General discovers Liberals bilking Canadian taxpayers out of almost a hundred million dollars.

- Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien involves Liberal controlled RCMP to investigate as a delaying tactic (the report surfaced after he was scheduled to leave office), sends one of the Liberal ministers responsible, Alfonso Gagliano, to be the ambassador to Denmark.

- Liberal former PM leaves office, and new Liberal PM Paul Martin, in a show of distancing his Liberal administration from the former Liberal PM, calls for a public inquiry.

- Appoints Liberal Judge John Gomery to head inquiry, calls election.

- Liberal corruption charges dog Liberal PM, but Liberal controlled media enable Liberal PM to squeak out minority Liberal government.

- Liberal lawyers of former Liberal PM attempt to remove Liberal Judge Gomery from the inquiry, as he appears to actually be investigating the scam. Attempt fails.

- Liberal lawyers for bureaucrats accused in the Liberal scam win publication ban on incriminating testimony, hopefully until after another election can be called by the Liberals. (CENSORED, GOTTA LOVE FREEDOM OF SPEACH!)

- Liberal scam Liberal Liberals steal scam Liberal corrupt Liberals theft Liberal scandal.

- Corrupt Liberals Liberal stealing scam Liberal incompetence Liberals theft Liberalism.

- Adscam Liberal Liberals corrupt Liberals stealing Liberals Liberal sponsorship Liberals theft Liberal.

- Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal Liberal.

- Election called, Liberals win a majority government. Hockey to begin in fall.

And in other news...

French Corruption Erodes Trust in Politics: The latest corruption trial of the French president's cronies leaves the public shaking their heads, yet again.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Seal Hunt Reduces Global Warming!

According to the latest issue of New Scientist, Fur could be altering the world’s climate.

Along with dandruff, algae, pollen, fungi, bacteria, viruses and various other “bio-aerosols” wafting around in the atmosphere, it may well be.

A global study has found that tiny fragments of biological detritus are a major component of the atmosphere, controlling the weather and forming a previously hidden microbial metropolis in the skies. Besides their climatic influence, they may even be spreading diseases across the globe.

The sealers are doing their part. The more seals they skin, the less “bio-aerosols” released, and the less global warming occurs. Come on Canada, lets all do our part. If every Canadian skinned One Tonne of animals, they would help protect the climate and have cleaner air.

Take the One Tonne challenge! (Suzuki, put that in your pipe and smoke it!)