Friday, September 30, 2005

Harpers Not Scary #18

Election Call Imminent!!!

Amid the rumors and speculation that a snap election will be called or that the opposition parties will bring down the government, it now appears that this will happen sooner rather than later.

As a news filtering expert I have come across an increasing number of news articles that are designed by the Liberal party to act as secret signals to their faithful servants that they should start pouring gas, I mean in the election machine and start banging those election drums.

Examples of these articles are as follows:

CBC tables new offer to locked-out staff ...An article signaling to CBC employees that they will be back to work soon and who they should thank for resolving this lock-out once the election campaign is underway.

Grits push for CBC shakeup ... An article signaling to the CBC employees that if they come through for the Liberals in the upcoming election, their managers will get a swift kick in the ass as retribution for locking them out in the first place.

As you can see, the evil minions are about to pour back onto the Canadian airwaves just in time for an election call, ready to fight another battle for their evil masters. Ok, they're not all evil, just most of them.

'Expert' Tom

Thursday, September 29, 2005

McGuinty to Martin: Back Off!!!

update: blogger finally uploaded pic!

Mine's bigger than yours!

After being caught bold faced lying to Canadians, Prime Minister Paul Martin reportedly received a stern warning from Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty (Canada's top liar): Stop, or else!

Apparently Mr. McGuinty was angry at the fact that the PM was caught openly lying to Canadians, which McGuinty has cornered the market on since 2003.

McGuinty was overheard saying to an aid "Who does he think he is, openly lying like that? He's always just used distortion of the facts, deceit, dishonesty, evasion, fabrications, falsehood, inaccuracy, misrepresentation, misstatements, subterfuge, and terminological inexactitude."

"I'm the biggest liar in Canada! If he thinks he's gonna push me out, he's got another think coming! "

Martin responded that although McGuinty openly lies more, he is much sneakier about his lying, and therefore a bigger liar.

"I'll put my deceit up against his any time, any place" said Martin.

Stay posted for the "Lie Off" event, which will probably start at the coming elections.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Why Are The Liberals And Pals Voting Against Raising The Age Of Consent From age 14?

Well, as you can see from this pic, that position is very popular with some of their strongest supporters...

Update: I guess Sean over at SDA agrees :

"I don't care what the law says, any greasy older male caught laying a hand on my daughter before she reaches the age of majority will suddenly find himself feeling a draft where his diaphram used to be. And if I happen to bag a Liberal, so much the better."

I only have one question Sean - why would a greasy older male be wearing a diaphram?

Monday, September 26, 2005


Jack Layton has just announced that he will now prop up the minority Liberal government for 4.6 Billion... er wait, how much was that again? In an unprecedented fall sell-off, the NDP is willing to give a rock-bottom price on its unwavering support. You can now keep yourself in power for the low, Low, LOW price of just making an empty promise to pass some legislation that we might possibly be able to stomach!!! How the mighty have fallen. After touting themselves as having a central role in Parliament, the NDP are now only touting that they have had a central role-in-the-hay with the Liberal Party and they ended up being on the bottom. Due to sever lack of planning, the NDP has wasted any of its potential gains from the 'NDP' budget. At this point the Canadian population only remember that Paul Martin is ok with Jack, and that’s good enough for them. When asked for comment all Jack would say is "How come I always end up being a bottom?" Thanks for nothin' Jack!!

Update: Pics finally working on Blogger

'Expert' Tom

Friday, September 23, 2005

Harpers Not Scary #17

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Sex, Violence, and Profanity - Gay Play Cancelled

The Vancouver Sun reports today that a school play will be canceled because it contains sex, violence and swearing.

The Surrey school district has cancelled a high school production of a play designed to teach tolerance toward homosexuals.
The school district's administration says the play, The Laramie Project, contains sex, violence and foul language and is not appropriate as family entertainment.
The media is slanting this story in a way to paint the school board as anti-gay, or at least afraid of a gay-bashing at the hands of parents and grand-parents of students at the school. While doing some research to become a gay-play-activists- vs-antagonist expert, I have some inside information on this story. I received a tip from a source who wishes to remain anonymous but is very close to a school board district. They informed me that the sex and violence line they are giving to the students is just a cover-up, "I mean the age of consent in this country is 14 so obviously we don't see a problem with that" spoke Person X, "No, the real reason we cancelled the play is we really didn't think it was appropriate to have a Federal Cabinet Minister or his Chauffeur come out for the auditions."

'Expert' Tom

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Super Size Me...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Fogedda Badet! - Liberals Now Ranked #1 Among Organized Crime Families!

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it funny (as in STRANGE) that Paul Coffin got off with a slap in the wrist for his part in the sponsorship scandal?

I mean, no jail time? I’ve seen people go to jail for passing bad cheques at the local grocery store. The Liberal judge “took into account his remorse, and the fact that he repaid a million dollars”. Excuse me? So now the accused gets to decide what they will repay? What is the total he defrauded over the years? We know there was at least half a million more…

It’s kinda strange him pleading guilty in the first place. I mean, if I was his defence lawyer I would advise my client to plead innocent and base my defence on the fact that the alleged “victim”, the Liberal government, was the one who instigated, ran, masterminded, and was the senior accomplice in this crime. How can one fraud artist be guilty of fraud against his partner in the crime? Why did they just shut up and take their lumps? Maybe they knew they would be taken care of...

So Coffin pleads guilty, and hmmm…gets off Scot-free. Go figure. The Mafia is green with envy…they have to pay off Judges. The liberals…they ARE the Judges!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Breaking News!!!

I have just uncovered several explosive facts that could have a huge impact on Canadian Politics for years to come. These revelations centre around the current opposition leader Stephen Harper. While doing research for this article dealing with face transplants and the search to find a willing patient to undergo this new and ground breaking operation, I have uncovered the identity of one of the hopefuls who is interviewing to have this surgery done. That person was non-other than CPC leader Stephen Harper. When Mr. Harper was further questioned about his motive for this face transplant he finally broke down and amid his tears he explained that he "wants people to see who he really is." He is "tired of his outer appearance being misrepresented by the media" and that he wanted "a new face that reflected his inner being." This new face could never be misrepresented and would stand as a new symbol for what Mr Harper represents to the Canadian public. The face donor is pictured here...



wait for it...





Friday, September 16, 2005

Harpers Not Scary #16

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I Love the Carnival...

The Carnival of Comedy XX is up over at Either Orr.

I thought it might be XX-rated, but apparently XX is also French or something for the number 20.

Go check it out (not only cuz I'm in it...Either Orr Bob is also a bloggin tory!).

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Un-Liberal...

I found this quiz over at Spiderman's Web rating how conservative/liberal you are.

Though I am very disappointed in Les, I have discovered I don't have a Liberal bone in my body.

Check it out:

Your Political Profile

Overall: 110% Conservative, -10% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% whatever

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% askmeifIcare

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Getajob!

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% WaitforGomery!

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% hangemhigh!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

No Sharia Law : The REAL Reason...

It was a no brainer that Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty turned down Sharia law for Ontario...but not for the reason he states.

Although he stated Sharia law won't affect women's rights, and that "whatever the province does, it will be in keeping with the values of Ontarians and Canadians", we suspect the real reason is much simpler: gay marriage.

As we all know, gay marriage is now legal in Ontario. If Sharia law were implemented, how would gay Muslim couples resolve differences? Muslim lesbians would both lose their property in a divorce? Who would keep the dowry? And what about gay male Muslims? How would they figure out which husband gets to physically beat disobedient wives? How would you figure out which one to stone to death? Guys stoning each other would take far too long. People would get bored and not stay till the end.

So as you can see, Dalton had to drop the Sharia. It would just be too confusing for gay law.

Monday, September 12, 2005

"Singin' Through the Pain"

An inside source in the Ministry of Health has leaked some important information as to the new direction Health Canada is taking to combat waiting times that are so long they contravene the Charter of Rights. After reading this article, I decided to do some digging and came across one whistleblower who said not only are they going to put on musicals informing the public of important health issues, but that Health Minister Ujjal Dosanjh has also approved impromptu one-man/one-woman shows in local emergency wards to sing about the ailments of the patients in the ER. I have also heard rumors that all people who die while waiting for medical treatment will qualify for a singing telegram to their next of kin explaining how sorry Health Canada is for their loss.

You heard it here first... 'Expert' Tom.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Red Cross Ripoff?

A trapper buddy of mine who is ferrying supplies to the Katrina victims had this to say of the Red Cross:

The first run was pretty much covered , the next run is far from it. Have 2 pickup truck loads of clothes and canned stuff in my garage so far and we just started the local drives yesterday.Red Cross is pretty much tying our hands at the corporate levels but we are making good headway with local businesses.I cannot believe the greed factor that is going on. Dont send food and clothing , send money! A Big BS and KMA to them. they are actually taking some peoples names and expecting them to repay for the help they are giving out, as in hot meals.Choose to believe or not , but them is the facts as of right now. watching MSNBD right now and they are firing it real straight as to what is going on with Fema and Red cross. Send your money to them , but where the **** are they? They are tying everbodys hands not just ours , so I say to **** with them , I am going to keep running stuff til it is over.

Is this really what you wan't your donations to do?

I found the same problems trying to get a truck to bring a load of supplies down. Check this out from the U-Haul website:

The American Red Cross has specifically asked us to encourage monetary donations only, as this is the best and most efficient way to get relief to those in need. Managing the flow of unsolicited donations hinders the effort to provide disaster relief in a timely manner.

What!?! "Hinders" disaster releif? Come on. Any releif sent would be going to outlying rural areas where there is NO releif. The Red Cross are concentrating in the cities (where trucks would be turned away by the military anyways).

The Red Cross helps, and we should continue to donate but enough with the beurocracy and turf battles...

BTW, anybody know where I can find a truck...

(note: this story is a rerun from yesterday...I missed the BT aggre-gator)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Man, oh man! I can't go away for a week!

With me not standing in their way, not only did the evil government jack up gas prices by almost half a buck but George Bush was allowed to singlehandedly destroy the south-eastern United States!

Ok, I promise I'll never leave again.

How'd ya like my replacement expert "Tom"? Although he didn't prevent soaring fuel prices or Bush's destruction, he nevertheless did a fantastic job. He predicted the storm, and forced people to donate to the red cross through guilt (see this post). I think he should post regularly (howsabout Mondays? I hate Mondays!) as well as giving his always "expert" opinions.

Vacation was good. I caught crabs (hey, get yer mind outta the gutter!), clams, oysters, mussels, mackerel, cod, pilotfish, sea bass, striped bass, just to name a few. No, actually, I think that's all of them.

New Brunswick kicks ass!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Kill Me, Please!!!

Could this be catagorized as assisted suicide? I mean its not like Vancouver seems to be eager to prosecute anyone on drug charges these days but maybe they can be arrested for depraved indifference or criminal negligence resulting in death? I'm just askin'.

Do you want Herion with that sir? 'Expert' Tom

h/t nealenews

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Paul Martin's Late Response to Katrina

From the pen of 'Expert' Tom

I have found the difinitive answer as to why Paul Martin was nowhere to be found in the first days that Katrina struck the Gulf coast. It seems that Mr Martin was simply trying to be polite and give Quebec the first opportunity to speak out. Martin wants to give Quebec a "Greater Foreign Role" as stated in this article in the Ottawa Citizen, h/t nealenews. Unfortunately he forgot to let Jean Charest in on this little tidbit. As a wire tapping expert, I was able to listen in on a recent conversation between PM Martin and Premiere Charest and here is a snippet from the transcript...

PM "I thought you were going to call!"
JC "No, I thought you were going to call!!"
PM "Damn, well I gotta go, maybe landslide Annie can say something quick. I knew I shouldn't leave foreign policy to a mere Premiere!!"
JC "oh, Tabernac!! I'm screwed!!"

Comments Turned Back On

Ok, I know I'm only a guest blogger but since Also isn't here to do anything about it, I have unilaterally decided to turn comments back on. I have noticed blogger has added a feature to help stop comment spam so lets hope it works. Also can bitch slap me when he gets back if he so chooses.

"Expert" Tom